Men Oh Pause: where did my sex drive go?

There was a time when an early night meant something. Now an early night means an early night. Actual sleep. Alone, ideally, with the window open and the duvet on my side only.

The moment

He reaches over. I pretend to be asleep. Or I suddenly remember the washing needs folding. Or I start a very long conversation about the boiler. Anything, frankly, except that.

And then the guilt arrives, right on time, along with the question I never said out loud: what is wrong with me?

Why it happens

• A lower sex drive is a recognised symptom. The NHS lists reduced sex drive (loss of libido) among the symptoms of perimenopause and menopause.
• It can hurt. Vaginal dryness, burning, irritation or itching are common, and the NHS says they can make sex feel painful. That would put anyone off.
• Everything else piles on. Broken sleep, night sweats, low mood and feeling irritable with your partner do not exactly set the scene.
• It is treatable. Vaginal oestrogen cream or pessaries can help dryness and soreness, and testosterone gel or cream may help low libido for some women, prescribed by a menopause specialist.

Try this

1. Say it out loud, together. “It is not you. My body has changed.” Ten words that take the pressure off both of you.
2. Redefine close. A cuddle on the sofa, holding hands on a walk. Closeness without a to-do list.
3. Ask your pharmacist about vaginal moisturisers and lubricants for dryness.
4. Talk to your GP. Painful sex and low libido are medical symptoms, not a personal failing, and there are treatments.
5. Send him our first Men Oh Pause story, why my partner suddenly became the enemy. It helps.

Track it

Note your sleep, mood and any pain alongside your cycle for a few weeks. It makes the GP conversation easier to start. Our GP checklist can help.

If sex is painful, or you notice any bleeding after sex or after your periods have stopped, please see your GP.

Sources: NHS: Symptoms of menopause and perimenopause; NHS: Treatment. This post is personal experience and general information, not medical advice.